wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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