my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
