I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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