did you get engaged???
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
this hospital has no fireball
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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