idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
