why didn't you poke me back
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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