i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
