my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
