my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
