Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
