There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you had me at cake vodka
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
