the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
