Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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