don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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