HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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