Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
