sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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