Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
