What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize