i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
