I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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