bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
