if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
