did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
