How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize