dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
