either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
