this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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