my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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