Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
