OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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