you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
