Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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