Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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