I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
