I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
