Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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