im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
