Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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