i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
