I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
