He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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