I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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