I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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