i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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