U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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