I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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