so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
