complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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