It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
