I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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