Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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