Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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