my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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