Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I deserve this hangover.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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