I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize