i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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