so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
