is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize