chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
